Gaining Weight... and Perspective.

The best way to gain weight is to go on a diet! So lets give a brief case history of my waistline. For the majority of my life I was skinny, now looking back I can see REALLY skinny, so bad that when I was little random people would walk up to my mom and tell her to feed me more, a rather rude thing to say to a family in poverty, and again a demonstration of our cultures lack of grace and complete willingness to vocally judge others publicly. Family History: My dads contribution to image issues... well lets not get too far in to that(It's Ugly) but lets leave it with he is over weight, and said cruel things like "if you eat that you'll balloon up like your sister". My mom has been on one long string of diets for as long as I can remember, she blames her finicky stomach for her not eating much of anything. Recently three doctors asked her is she was anorexic. When I was little I remember her helping my sister diet, these mom and daughter diets where on and off, and still kind of happen. My brother was a bean poll of a guy till he got out of the army and stop doing much. Then there is my beautiful sister a stunning child with blue eyes and platinum blond hare that is such a blessing that even when she try's to dye it, it won't keep the color it just shines through. She was a curvy child but never, never fat! As she grew up with the way my parents and society treated her her weight became a terrible out of control spiral (Let it be known she had the typical german body type but with the hight to go with it) all the diets yo-yoed her health painfully.

Age 11ish

For me I knew skinny, it was what I was, I was obviously aware of weight but did not ever care, I eat what I needed and it was never okay to wast food in our family. Around 12 my dad started making those comments, and time after time went so far as to make me keep food journals because he was "so worried about my health with all the junk I eat" keep in mind he hardly ever made a meal, and we never had soda in the house and for the most part what was in the house had to be within the low sodium diet, healthier food necessary for his blood presser/hart diet (notice the inconsistencies yet), all that said I was use to how they had treated my sister so it was not anything abnormal to hear such degrading discussions, but around that time I fell in with a group of girls that were very focused on every pound, so I started to notice and god forbid I turned 100Lb, so that was it I had to watch what I eat and start cutting things out, and hay don't you know it I had all that practice keeping food journals and watching my mom and sister take on every fad diet. So I jumped right in and don't you know started to gain weight, and the vicious cycle began, a little more weight = diet a little more, more weight = more dieting, all the way to 19 and a crash diet of one apple a day with constant working out even wall working. I was 130Lb and one sick girl. When I was 18 some bad personal things happened that helped my body torture along, it gets easier to diet when you believe you don't deserve to be fed. So at 19 I was killing my self working three jobs from 8am till 11pm or later, I was burning out bad and needed a change, so I put in for a transfer at my main job and knew it would be a crazy physical job, so I had to shape up and stop starving my self. I had also made some decisions about being the kind of person I wished I was.

Post apple diet

So when my transfer took over I did my best to start eating at least dinner and trying very hard to work so hard that no one would ever see how horrible I was: always coming in an hour early for work, taking on any extra hard work that no one wanted to do. Anything to be better than what I felt I was, and what I was backhandedly being told I was at home. This job came with a lot of public speaking, responsibility, hot people my age, and a boss that really wanted to be everyones mom. So yah a lot of growing up really fast. A year later this fun guy came to work with us and he was so relaxed and silly it was impossible not to be happy when you were around him.

The happiest person I know

Oh right Happiness, yah never good at happiness, anything that made me happy was a point of leverage to be used against me at any given point, so I learn early not to show happiness and in so forgot a lot how, the beginning of my life was about surviving. laughing scared me but know matter what happened me and the happy fun guy just kept being thrown together, and by the time we had been dating for like three months and he told me he loved me, completely shocking me, not that he said it that early, I knew I loved him and that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life laughing with, but because I totally and completely did not believe I was worthy of his love. From there on out I was not just striving for the ideal perfection of servitude and self sacrifice, but to be the person that deserve that kind silly love. A year later I changed jobs (night shift EKG tech and respiratorytherapist aid)and moved out of my parents house, this changed my life. My family for once did not know where I lived, I had a good paying job and a man who loved me. I still was not very healthy especially with food so my boyfriend bought me a fish tank so I had to remember to feed them and in turn myself. Life when on like this till we decided to move in together in the bigger city,it meant a longer commute for me but being with the person I loved for more time was worth it. At that point my job was just BAD one of my supervisors threatened to hit me, and I was developing some strange health issues I when through everything from allergic reactions to penicillin(never had a problem with that before) to having the chicken pox (for the second time) I refer to 2007 as the year of spots, I broke out in spots 5 times witch was hiding the fact that the spots where making me sick and cutting off my air supply, Yah severe latex allergy means you can't work at an old-school hospital, I gained about 15Lb during this time, so not only did I have to quit my job but my immunsystem was trashed, my body was shot from years of stress and working like a crazy person. So at the end of that year after finishing a half marathon(13.1 miles) my body gave up on letting go of any extra calories witch was just in time for my boyfriend to decide it he wanted to be my fiancee, and as every -to be wed- knows thats the time to really buckle down and lose those extra pounds "wedding photos last for ever" just keeps at you. Gym memberships, calorie counting, dance lessons, looking up any real information about "real diets" was the name of the game, so by that time next year when we got married I had put on Yes put on 30 Lb.

Our wedding

This was pure Insanity I was conscious of everything going in to my mouth and some how nothing worked! it actually worked the opposite way! I was so depressed about my weight for the wedding and it was a crazy stressful year of nightmare relatives, wedding chaos, buying our first house and moving together, but through it all I was still very happy to be marrying the best person I know. however this I will say my husband is a very relaxed person, motivation is just not his thing, so I had moved in to a more sedentary part of my life, and for once I had someone I felt obligated to feed. So I was eating at least one meal a day. The hardest part of this crazy dieting for the wedding, feeling lost and betrayed by my body, was that my fiancee Loved that I was gaining weight, he liked me with more to me and could not for the life of him understand why I was so upset, witch made me feel partially lonely in the uphill battle and partially confused by his love of my new body. After the wedding I gave up, I was done torturing my self I wanted to eat healthy and see if maybe some of my hubbies love of my body could rub off on me, I still hated every pound as it came, all last 30Lb of it. After culinary school, good grades in my nutrition class that taught me that all bodies are different some bodies have there own size that you just cant fight unless your perfect fit is a casket, and that eating Is so good for you and beneficial to your whole health, that and some great FaceBook pages gave me some better perspective. I now look at a photograph of my German/Scottish Grandmother, I have her body, her stout strength, her curves her genes and there is nothing wrong with that. I am me, All 230Lb, I'd like some little changes, but I am too happy in my life to give up the blessings I have to be consumed by weight any longer.

me learning to fly a plain this winter

Guilds, Chefs and Desserts!

So did you know that most Everyone called a chef is actually not a Chef, the way it works is you pretty much have to join a guild to get your acradadation, pass your guilds test, then work your way up till you are the sole person in charge of the kitchen you work at(ordering, scheduling, menu and ALL) and if you want to go further in the guild it go's all the way up to Master Chef.. when ask if I ever want to try for that I not so politely say "NO, I like being married" that kind of dedication requires a life destroying obsession, that I'm okay with not getting in to. So anyway kind of like how most people think that if you work at a hospital you are either a Doctor or a Nurse, when in reality there is a plethora of healthcare vocations (IE: EKG EEG lab techs, Respiratory Therapists, Audiologist, Pharmacists, Polysomnographs and on and on and on). So too in a kitchen there are a lot of vocations, mine is Certified Pastry Culinarian in layman's that means I'm a fancy baker, or if I or anyone around me is lazy I work in a kitchen so I'm a Chef, I find this hard for one because I have not earned the title Chef, but I get called Chef all the time, and for two it gets exhausting to tell people that a lot of true chefs spend most there time in the office keeping the whole place running, to witch I have no interest. I like baking, I LOVE european pastries, most of my favorite recipes are the hard ones, the creative ones, the ones that make people say "That is too beautiful to eat" this fills me with so much joy I have to turn away and say how happy I was to do it and "Please eat it, it should be quite good and I made it to be eaten and enjoyed". On that note my favorite dessert to make and to eat is Fruit Tart. If I was able I'd make one once a month and have it for breakfast as often as I could get away with. Before starting there are some things you should know always read the whole recipe before starting, gather ingredients in proper amounts "mise en place" and be careful this is hot stuff!

Fruit Tart

In food processor Mix till it comes together:

1 Cup powder sugar

3 cup AP Flour

12 oz butter (that is 1 ½ stick’s)

Press onto the bottom and sides of two 8” pans

Bake for 15 min till golden

Then put crust out to cool.

In a separate pan on stovetop boil:

½ cup sugar

4 cup milk

¼ cup butter

In separate bowl whisk:

2 eggs

4 egg yolks

¼ cup corn starch

½ cup sugar

2 T Vanilla

Temper milk into egg mixture.

Then place back in pan over medium heat and bring to a boil NEVER stop stirring! Warning at some point it will clot up, just Keep Stirring! once it smoothes out and starts to scare you with molten popping bubbles of pain, remove from stove and poor in to crusts . Slice fruit arrange in circles and brush with apricot glaze (½ cup apricot jam ½ cup water heat till boil).

Sorry for the bad photos.

Winning and being Disposable.

It's never easy to make new friends, and if you have ever moved you know starting from scratch is painstakingly difficult. Where to start? What are they going to think of me? People are so busy with there day to day does anyone have time for one more friend, or am I just another time consuming tug on a full life? Yah your head will go through the gambit and pull you under the self douting nonsense of all the junk you have piled upon yourself your whole life "what if no one likes me", but we all know that is just rubbish, every person has something to offer. Friendship is built by people that build each other up and as long as you are willing to invest yourself you can be a good friend, and the more experience you get being social the better you get at it. The trick is finding out how you like to spend your time and finding others that have the same interests sites like Meetup can be really helpful. Also going to things and being fun just like you would with a friend shows off how great you are, and just about anywhere you go there are going to be festivals, ball games, farmers markets, scrapbook meets, local game shops generally have a game night and so on. Just keep putting yourself out there (it doesn't hurt to feed people) be the kind of friend you are looking for, warmth, kindness and selfless interest in another person. All of these things have served me well in the past but having just moved AGAIN (I'm at a life total of 15 moves so far)It's back to square one the hardest square of all, I've been putting myself out there playing Humans vs zombies, doing game night, going to festivals and have met some nice people. What I'm coming up against now is that people are either young with time to have some fun, but rightly self focused on the needs of getting a life put together, or old enough to relax with but to busy to hang out with. It gets very hard not to scream at the stars why cant I find a good shopping buddy that also is good at chilling by the fire with a nice glass of wine, long hikes, inside jokes. Oh right nobody told you that after you get married you still have to date "couple friends" for like THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Trust me invest in Cranium and Scattergories now it will make things easer later. Anyway lots of bored games later with the younger generation, and I have been Shock at the Intensity for "Hurry Up" or complete detachment when not winning, Over and over it has been made clear that if your not winning it's not worth playing, and if you cant win freak out. Now I take issue with this because I like playing games to spend time with people I care about, winning can be fun but not at the cost of respecting the other players. So no I'm not the biggest fan of winning, In all honesty I would prefer to enjoy the company and conversation than win any game. Remember there is only one winner but everyone else is together in loosing. I always play to my best but I never really mind that much when I lose, I find more company there. Now for the Disposable part, in the process of making new friends people will test your boundaries (just as you test theres) it's part of getting to know someone and what they are comfortable with but remember you have to stand up for your self (witch is much harder when you don't have many friends to choose from) this is vitally important you are showing your new friends that you deserve respect, kindness and boundaries, this IS NOT to much to ask, for real friends this will be a give in! Never be okay with being disposable, you always deserve better than that from every person in your life: parents, friends, partners, bosses, you are not disposable and if they treat you that way they are the disposable one and have not earned one iota of your life. So in the practice what you preach, I called out one of the social group for really being awful to everyone, using jokes to hide name calling, throwing temper tantrums(including silent treatment in the middle of games) and generally not caring if any of us were alive... after typing this I realize this was a older version of bullying a sort of: do what I want or everyone pays whether by disrupting the game, insults or of outcasting disagreers. So now I face the question will I be invited back in the group or have to find a new group, witch is sad because I really like everyone else, and truly wish to spend time with them. I have to say even though I may be outcast from the group I'm still okay with what I said, because I have to treat my self the way I want to be treated, and the way I would want my friends to be treated, but as always I wish this had never come up. All that being said I still have the best friends in the world back home, and from my childhood, so I still feel crazy blessed. Game night last year with the cool kids Becky and Jason.

Hope and Quitting.

Well it's been a crazy week for America, and lets face it the world is a hard place, wars happen, bombs strike and loved ones die. I come from a very drama childhood so I have my own ways of coping. I have found that having hope and stepping away are immensely useful. First lets get in to stepping away, many people get very down on the word or act of quitting, but the deal is you never quit till you die. So stop for a minute or if you have the ability for the day, and take the time to be okay, by agknowlaging that you're not okay you are hurt, shocked and maybe scared. What this does is let you build yourself back up by building a safe place. I tend to go to a trusted book or TV series that is beloved, this bit of familiar stability is a routine of caring for myself that lets me tap a source of happy healthy that is associated with the time I first indulged in that title. This week it was Avatar: The Last Airbender, Book 2, and in it there was a great quote from Uncle Iroh "No! Zuko! You must never give in to despair. Allow yourself to slip down that road and you surrender to your lowest instincts. In the darkest times, hope is something you give yourself. That is the meaning of inner strength". I love this, it is so true, we are the source of our own hope and sometimes we need to fill ourselves with it. So just like picking our friends and our media intake we need to find places of hope to replenish when so much has been lost. This is not quitting or running away this is closing our eyes turning off the news and breathing. The cultural instinct to shame stoping is just not humanly smart, we need rest we need breathers we need hope especially when things get harder. So when the going gets tuff stop rebuild stronger and get going! Also Mr Rogers = PS if you are looking for a happy place as more of a distraction, I highly suggest Pinterest I have a wall there for my page Every Body is different

Fattitude!

So you may know by now I'm not a size 8, actually I'm a size 18, that being said I love to exercise, some of my favorites are long walks sometimes in the form of 5k's, new workout equipment today was a fun one: straps hold your feet off the ground, you do a push-up then pull your knees in for a ?floating? crunch, also I really enjoy rock climbing and dance. So how do you go to the gym, dance club or park knowing that your umm not what people expect and in some cases not what they want to see... well my answer is Fattitude keep in mind this is not making fun of your self to hide the pain (spoiler, that one doesn't work out so well) this is something completely different. How it works is being proud of what you have IE fat, yes fat, if you have it your caring it around, and that means you can in your day to day life carry weights that would kill a smaller person. Say you get tired at the gym well stop for a minute and realize you at 230 have done twice the work of someone at 115, so yah they can run a little further, but could they while carrying twice there weight? uh NO! What this really means is you are strong, your body in an odd way has been doing some weight training and that gives you some edge. So try playing to your strengths walk till your body says okay next, then always being nice to yourself try some weights, start small, see what your body likes, you may be surprised what you are capable of in a short time, a-n-d if your thing is weight loss one of the best plans is to grow muscle mass, muscle keeps burning energy even when you're not doing too much (you lose muscle mass if you don't use it though) Keep in mind you Have to feed yourself. The best way to gain weight is to not eat, I was 118lb. when I started a crash diet and then many more calorie killers led to where I am... well were I was. Now that I eat when I'm hungry and exercise/play/clean/work basically be active for some part of the day I have lost 10lb. and kept it off, but that was not my goal, now heres the trick !I STOPED CARING! I started accepting me, my curves and my fat, my beautiful fat that gives me a booty like Kim K, and a belly that took the fall for me, the other day when I was running my foot caught and down I went, but silly as it sounds my tummy hit first and Voila no broken bones not even a bruise, I jumped back up and kept going just like that, a bit of a sore stomach but I was totally beautifully saved by the one part of me I have been hating on most.. for a bit I felt so guilty for all that time I had spent hating a part of my body that would so easily save me. For the first time I felt love from and for my stomach... kind of crazy, but now when I run and it jumps for joy a long with me, I smile. So that is my Fattitude, my body loves me (no matter what I have put it through) and I am learning to love it back. So in playing to my strengths I tried: Why not leg lifts at 100lb. 10 reps... okay how about 180lb.? okay done how about 200lb. done 240, 280, 300!! Yep then 340 and why not lets try it 400lb. yep thats right 400lb. So today I leg pressed 40 reps at 100lb. AND 20 at 400lb. and then when I was done I walked out of that gym like I owned it, because if any one said anything to me I knew I was stronger and happier than them. So yah I love my life!

Space food and me.

Today is the beginning of the HI-SEAS (Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation), what all that means is that on the volcanic mountain of Manilow Hawaii, some crazy smart people are playing house, Mars style! What that has to do with little old me in Indiana? There was a recipe contest, to help the "astronauts" with variety on the four month mission, and well I have a cuppel of contenders in the running, so at some point during the mission my recipes will be tried out! Oh and there is a distinct possibility that not only may real astronauts eat my food, but my name and recipes may be put in little print in the back of the Cornell University data bace <3 Suck it legacy at 28 haha! What is life for but taking chances and putting your self out there, one of the ways I found to do this is entering random contests, it never fails to make me work harder at life and hone my skills. On one occasion I even got runner up in a costume contest for this outfit I made in less than 24 hours Meant to look like the Dovahkiin from Skyrim.

FEAR OF DYSLEXIA

So today I made a blog (LET THE FEAR OF DYSLEXIA STOP YOU!) Is echoing in my head at the moment, but hears the deal I only get to be me by accepting all of me and the reason I see thing so differently is because for some reason my brain functions differently. Some of the most influential people in the world have been dyslexic, I'm blessed to have this gift, but Man is it defeating for things like blogs, Facebook, school, some social games and work. I had a nightmare last night that someone sent a note to my boss saying the cake was great but the spelling was wrong, oh and one of the fun quarks about dyslexia is it gets worse under pressure, so the other day we had a rush order and I forgot hoe to spell happy birthday! Then the week after that some of my coworkers were talking about not being able to be friends(on Facebook) with someone that cant spell. I find that I constantly have to remind people that learning disabilities are Not about being lazy but about being different and that thoughs differences are a good thing. So if So when you get annoyed at my spelling and grammar try to remember that only about 22 to 25 percent of children with dyslexia become functioning dyslexic adults .

What It's about.

I love life, I have worked hard to get to the life I want, and now that I have I want to see and learn and do all the things that make me happy healthy, and one of the biggest things that I enjoy is learning and sharing. So on this blog I intend to share some of the ADD, passion and love of life that makes me me. A lot of this is about self acceptance and a journey I have been on with media intake and how it affects your body image, in hopes of helping others love the body there in. Some of it is about art and Pinterest fun. Some will be about travel and work, seeing as I have the blessing of being able to travel about twice a year and I am a CPC (certified pastry culinarian in layman's pastry chef or baker) so I have a lot of flavor to share. All and all this is one ADHd blog and I hope you enjoy it!