The new face book game.

15 random facts about me: 

1: I'm an autodidact.

2: I've been happily married to my beat friend over 5 years but still count the three before that as much of the accomplishment. 

3: I have 4 out of 5 forms of dyslexia and have DNA correlated to  dyslexia.

4: I could not read till I was 12, and still find walls in my brain that only time will brake no matter my effort or dedication it just slips away(witch is maddening, till I remember all the other gifts it affords me). 

5: I'm simply bad at many things IE shaving and seeing clear things like plastic.

6: I'm simply good at some things IE seeing something crafty then doing it.

8: My love sing is time spent.

9: Any day I would prefer to talk on the phone over texting( to many things are unsaid in texts).

10: I adopt everything/one if I can feed you or you need on ear I'm here for you.

11: I get hurt a lot by letting so many so close but it's who I am to love.

12: boundaries are my new thing, I will offer much but within what my health allows, I have no space in my life for selfishness or negatively (Bry calls me lawful good).    

13: I stay busy, I have a blog, I have a body image health page, and I have a Vlog. 

14: I am happy, I have learned hard work is good work and apply myself daily to the good work of being positive.

15: I am endlessly proud of my friends, as they grow and change I see some of the parts they have had to hid to survive come out and make them amazing people, many of my closest friend are people I rarely get to see but no matter the distance they still light up my life <3

If you like this I'll give you a number feel free to try it or not but I'd love to know more about you 

Sleepless

A year and a half of my husband on his CPAP we have learned a lot: he starts getting crabby it gets worse, I ask how he's sleeping, he tells me his mask is giving him troubles at night, I order new caissons for his mask one for now one for latter, we find out that one last about 3 months if you clean them right. I learn what to look for, he learns its okay to tell me he's having trouble or needs something. Okay we are getting much better at this...  Friday night the CPAP Stops working!!!!! It's the weekend and all health care places are closed! Okay well I can order one online and get it rushed here overnight? We try, Saturday we here nothing, Sunday we here nothing, Monday and Bry is a zombie, thoughts are unclear, simple things are to complicated, frustration and anger are all that come easy to him. He has gotten an email saying he has to have a prescription  before they will send his CPAP we think no big deal will call his doc get it faxed over and only one more night without it. No his pulmanolagest refuses to send the RX she has not seen him in a year and he's out of state now.... no advice, no help, no general health concern, she just flat out will not sing it! 20 phone calls and going to a healthcare supply  store and no one can help us with our the RX. I call the pumanagests office again the receptionist is rude really rude, but can not answer my question of " can you tell me it would do more harm for him to have it than him going with out" so she transfers me to a nurse(an angle of kindness for all I know) she here's me out  but can't find a way to help but offers to take it directly to the sleep doc when he gets in in the morning  . The next day we find a doc that can take him  here, eventually, and put him on the cancellation list. By this point I'm not letting Bry drive he fights anger all day and works crazy hard to tell me how much he appreciates all I'm doing, all I can do is laugh when he try's to complement me and it comes out as "you'll be a crazy old coot when your old"  he loves me and is saying I love you thank you,  it just come out as crazy old coot. That afternoon the new doc office calls they "have a 7:55 am opening tomorrow do we want it?" YES!!! If its on the moon we will be there! 5:00pm that night the old doc office calls the pulmanolagest singed the RX no explanation Nothing! We still keep the 7:55 appointment. they are all wonderful at the new doc's office but don't have a CPAP he can use they send us home with the hope that the one in the mail will be here soon(still not here). then we get a call back at noon they found a loner can we come by at 1? YES! So 1pm we head back and Bry gets a loner Cpap!!! A week later and Bry is still catching back up on sleep. Life is much better, Bry can be happy about things and think straght, we still do not have his new Cpap or his old one but as long as he has one I don't care! This is what it's Really like living with sleep apnea, completely treatable hassle on a daly basses,  that makes things like travail or camping very difficult but you Never want to go with out!!! 

Apnea, Sleep Study and CPAP

So with sleep disorders on the rise more and more people are getting sleep study's and ending up with darthvader masks at night IE welcome to the future. brief  theoretical explanation: our food is softer so over generations our jaws get smaller so too our air ways narrow and TaDa not breathing at night, add weight gain (more mass = more prasher on the air way) lack of exercise (weaker lungs don't help) and we have an epidemic. ". . It is estimated that 22 million Americans suffer from sleep apnea, with 80 percent of the cases of moderate and severe obstructive sleep apnea undiagnosed."

http://www.sleepapnea.org/i-am-a-health-care-professional.html

Now try to explain that to a 24 year old male who has not sleep well in about a year and all but gave up sleeping in the last two months. That was my life last year my husband slowly transformed into a constantly angry confused guy that was failing his classes, nothing made sense and simple things were to much, witch always ended up in an argument. Stubborn anger were how he existed for about 3 months. 

Then I got totally burnt out, I was mad he was not sleeping, I was angry he had not set up a doctors appointment, I was angry he could not  change doctors(his primary was less than helpful in the past and Bry did not want to go back to him) I was devastated that my caring intelligent husband was being robed of living! This is where I stopped  listening to his "ill do it"and the "ill take care of it" this is when I realized he actually could not make phone calls think straight or  take care of him self, heartbreaking yes but not the end of the world! I stated making phone calls, he was mad at first (that I did not think he could do it), then he was surprised that things started to happen. I found him a doctor got him an appointment and before to long this bright young doctor had him referred to a pulmanolagest and a sleep lab, a month later I'm walking Bry through what he is going to see and what is going to happen  during a sleep study( I used to work at a hospital and interned for a short time at a sleep lab and have many family members with sleep apnea) he was intimidated by wires being attached to his head and body, I asherd him they the wires are one way and can only register his current !Not send current! and that if you ask they can show you your brain waves after the test. The night of this study they let me stay with him as he got hooked up, by the time he was hooked up he and his nurse were chatting, he was antsy but very entertained about how cool it all was now that he could see it all! That night I went home all hopes of my husband and marriage riding on that little room in the basement of a five story hospital. 

5am I get up dive to the hospital and pick up My husband! My Bryan! My Happy silly sweet kind happy yes happy Bryan! He explains that he was bad enough that half way through the night the nurse put a CPAP on him and he slept the best sleep he could remember he was so hyper for the first couple  of hours  then went back to sluggish and annoyed, by that night he was back to not wanting to sleep, But this time it was " I don't even want to sleep with out it"  so I stepped in again and started making phone calls, you see when medical professionals  know you actually want their treatment, are thankful and want to take care of yourself they tend to push things through  a bit faster so in 2 week Bry had his very own  Cpap and I got the love of my life back! that was 2012 

-more in part 2-

Blogers Block!

So turns out Bloging is hard, and you can get writers block from having too big of a subject to wright about. Over the last two months I have been trying to wright and rewright, drafted and redraft a blog about love, and thats the thing about love It's a big topic we all have had hard times hart breaks and if we are lucky something bigger than the imagination could ponder. So trying to put in words what true love is, ends up a vast and complicated topic, and so all my time and effort has ben focused on that, starting a vlog, changing job positions, getting honored as a Paige in Amtgard and various a-sundry other life things, but I'm still alive and working on this blog, I have many other topics I'm ready to jump in to, that may just waylay the "true love"(said as the priest from Princess Bride) blog but rest ushered some day I will publish that blog and it will be long. Till thin remember your beautiful and all the generations of humans it's taken to make the person you are today you are a masterpiece of millions of years of survival <3

Gen Con!

If you just don't get all the geeks and freaks dressed like every imaginable character running around down town Indy, well this is what I know, I am one of them. I love Gen Con, I love costuming, I spend hours on them every year and even just taught my husband to sew. I even have a different costume for everyday, but that's not the reason I go to Gen Con, I go because just like it's name General Convention it has everything, From Scrabble tournaments to true dungeon you will never be bored even if you go and don't register for any events you can walk around for four days and be constantly entertained by the amazing people, costumes and games you see.

So what is GenCon? GenCon is a general convention of everything gaming, if it comes with cards, dice, buttons, a map or a mouce you can bet your game is at GenCon in some way, But there are also giveaways contests and lectures. How I spent my GenCon Was

1; several true dungeons(yes I'm addicted we have more tokens than I care to speak about including actually buying a horn of plenty) If you've ever played D&D, try imagining walking into a life-size dungeon, kind of like a haunted house; anamatronic monsters, timed puzzels and simulated battles were you put little tokens (that symbolize your weapon)into sliders and slide them on the board (that has the image of said monster) to where you hit monster.

True dungeon is awesome weather you like to solve puzzles or have that instant Gratification of slaying the beast, you can choose to either run it on combat mode (slaying the beast) or on puzzle mode (have lots of intricate puzzle you have to work together as a group to solve). You get better equipment by getting more tokens, you get a pack of ten tokens at the beginning of the run and the more puzzles you salve, the more complicated rooms you "live" through the more tokens you get, You really have to use your brain, what's the Best strategy for killing the monster when it's immune to magic or how do we solve this puzzle that has six ropes that you need to make in to a star? It's really quite fun and the atmosphere is great, It's just a silly way of going on a nice little adventure and coming out with a good sense of achievement.

2; Lectures. This year I went to three different lectures and please do not think of them like a college lecture, thought they do have some really big lectures on things like how to write a book from your favorite authors. Many are simple 20 people classes with an intents view into That subject, taught by people that are so good at their hobbies that they became professionals, making a living off of doing this amazing fun stuff. Most lectures are an hour or two but they cram as much in to them as posible. This year I just got to three lectures, my first lecture Was on costume makeup (I suck at makeup The only style I knew growing up was 80's big hair bright red cheeks Texas style make up from my mom that does not work when you're trying to do anime) I learned some great things also the people who put on the lecture are great to watch on Facebook they are called sewing is half the battle They're so good at their costuming they actually won Goldenneedle(The Goldenneedle category is for costumes that are made completely by hand by you and your team and yes they can be more than one person usually that's because there's more than one person in the actual cosplay on stage). The next lecture that we went to was very small there were about 10 of us around the table with a professional mini painter. For those of you who don't know what minis are they are the miniatures that are used in games like Dungeons & Dragons and Warhammer They usually come in plastic or pewter then you have to assemble the pieces, primar them, then paint them whatever colors you would like this Can be as simple as grey for zombies or intricate designs with hand-painted tapestries on flages and all kinds of amazing tinny things.

one of mine

Well since my husband and I went in on the kickstarter for reaper minis we just happen to have about 200 extra minnies laying around needing to get painted, So we wanted to get a little bit better and find out some tips and tricks on how to make our minnies really amazing. This class was great it has all kinds of neat little tricks everything from if the casting seam go's straight throug the eye just carve it out or put an eyepatch on it, some different painting techniques like always pant the bad eye first that way your little tiny mini will look great. Everything from paint choices to magnifying eyewear and lighting.

one of the instructors minis http://www.crookedeye.net

The third lecture I went to was an advance sewing class This was great I learned things like draping, patternmaking, different ways to make a dart, alternatives to pins and a lot of discussion on how to make a homemade dress form. Sewing for Geeks

3; Take pictures and pose for pictures. I love taking pictures of all the amazing costumes, people go all out to make amazing things just because they love the art of crafting, and so do I, so at 4 o'clock on Saturday when the costume parade was starting we jumped in My costume was steampunk Amelia Earhart, more to make a statement on woman empowerment Then to emulate a character. I got completely burnt out of all the costumes for girls being slutty nurse, slutty firefighter everything is either your slutty or your a which! So I steamunked up a great women that blazed a trail in our history. My husband wore his Dovahkiin costume and Fus Ro Dahed until he had no voice left.

Our costumes

It was a nice leisurely walk we stopped about every 45 seconds for photos and moved on, keep in mind the walls are packed with people with cameras for oh about 1/4 of a mile you walk in the parade and people take your pictures or video tape the parade and when I say prarade it's not small it's something like 3-400 people. 

4; Shoping, a good half of the Indiana convention center is taken up by the Vendors Hall any kind of dice you could imagine all kinds of new boardgames, Leather-working, Baffer swords, jewelry and a ton of geeky T-shirts It's all there! I get most of my Christmas shopping done at GenCon it's so full unique things, you really can find something for just about everyone and again it's a crazy atmosphere you just have to see it!

http://www.gencon.com

5; Shows, Some of my favorite shows are D 20 burlesque and whose line is it anyway as dirty as you want to be, I didn't make it to how's line but burlesque was awesome they take the best geeky things and make it into a funny show and there's a lot of geust interaction. It's funny, it's silly and of course it's sexy.

Anja Keister doing a Settlers of Catan skit www.d20burlesque.com

So that is a brief tiny little glimpse into the amazing thing that I love called Gen Con.

Costume Drama!

If you ever wonder why feminism is still needed, try looking for positive woman roll models to make into costumes, so far I have Captain Janeway... I'm not good at hair or jump suits.... Danielle De Barbarac woo more princesses..... but maybe Brienne of Tarth hmmm I don't think ANYthig from GoT is roll model worthy sigh...

. .

.

other thoughts..

Leela

Eowyn

Agatha Heterodyne

Space Food: Part Two!

As you know I have worked on some recipes that were chosen to be tried on the Hawaii Space Exploration Analog and Simulation (HI-SEAS) and now all three of my recipes have been prepared, logged and posted on youtube for the world to follow. So here you are, my small contribution to science and the thought process that went with them

Olympus Mons Fruit Salad Recipe

This is my least favorite dish due to it's strong flavor, which was I admit the goal due to the fact that during extended space travel astronauts lose some sense of smell and taste, so strong flavors like hot sauce are the go to item of the far far far from home. This reminded me of one of my first culinary classes, the Chef was lecturing on a catering he had done for a cigar club and how smoking dulls the senses muting much of smell and taste, so he used bold flavors that most people would not normally like IE sharp cheeses and Dry wines, this gave my brain a starting point. That being said this is a vinegary tangy fruit salad so the strong flavor was a bit much for this atmosphere. Omega Patties Recipe

The thought here was that fresh is not an option so make it so hardy and meaty that it's like getting real fresh protein, and one of the great ways we on this planet use fresh meats is in burger form so I used space ready ingredients to make a meaty salmon patty, giving it more oomph(fiber and omega fatty acids) with flax seed, a little kick with chilly pepper and good flavor with garlic and parmesan cheese.

Dark Matter Cake with Stardust Frosting Recipe

Everyone has a birthday and one of the important things in life is taking time to celebrate, so me being a baker I had to figure out a rich dark chocolate cake. The richness was easy :hazelnut coffee, the trick was making a cake with no eggs this was made possible with some background knowledge of ingredients, mayonnaise to be exact it's made from eggs and oil and just happens to be shelf steady for years if not opened so in turn it is on the list of approved ingredients. This led to a cake that had mayonnaise instead of oil or eggs, and as an added bonus the little twang the mayo gives also helps support the chocolate and enrich the flavor for those out of touch tastebuds. I also entered two more recipes that did not get chosen

Spamsgiving

Thanksgiving in space... yah I did not think that one through, American holiday on Mars..... nope I'm not brilliant, but it was tasty!

Lunar Moco

A spin on a popular Hawaiian meal the Loco Moco and yes I'll make this one again just for me. Through all of this all I can think and say is thank you. Thank you to NASA for giving me/everyone this chance, to the crew of HI-SEAS for their dedication to science, and to my wonderful husband for all his encouragement and support(especially helping me mad dash around the house on my day off trying to find and unpack any plates we owned after our big move so I would have anything to put the food on). Also a special Thank you to Dr. Sian Proctor, not only are you an inspirational female roll-model for the science community, but you put such enthusiasm into each recipe that I hope one day to meet you and give you a hug for having faith in recipes I almost did not have the guts to submit.

My Work

I am a baker at a small locally owned bakery and cafe. The bakery has been at the same location for 24 years but has had 4 different owners, it slowly past from owner to owner and was in bad shape retaining most of the original equipment. I actually applied to the last owner but the place was such a mess I was glad they did not hire me, so when I had to do a management interview for school I thought to my self okay what place do I not mind making a complete fool of myself in front of, to write this paper. Well as luck had it when I called, the woman that answered did not understand that I wanted to interview her, so she started to interview me and then a funny sort of "oh you're hiring, I dropped off my application a few weeks ago", "I just bought the place and it was such a mess please drop another one off". This was such a silly conversation/ double interview that even though I was nervous about the call to start with we where laughing and talking frankly by the end, this all lead to me getting a 100% on the paper and eventually the job. After my boss bought the place the first thing she did was take out the trash, do a thorough cleaning, then hire me. So I feel closely tied to the new start and image. Our kitchen is maybe 20ft x 15ft in one of the oddest shapes possible including two large chunks in opposite corners that have been made into bathrooms,

Our kitchen

This leaves zero space so every nook and cranny is stuffed with the most essential things and when I say every nook and cranny, I mean EVERY nook and cranny, to the point the old stove top oven that no longer works is now a cabinet for our large baking pans.

Sex in the city esk storage.

Now with so little space it would seem impossible to get much done but rest assured that we make it work! This being our busiest time of the year with graduations, weddings, catering and the lunching crowd it really puts us all to the test. My boss the new owner is a workaholic that pulls all nighters of 15+ hours, I even baked 50 cakes in one shift and then the next week topped it by 10 making over 60 cakes in one night just so we could get through the week, and the rest of our small group work tirelessly to keep things fresh, beautiful, delicious and ready on time.

One catering order oh and this is just the pre-meal snacks for the guests while the wedding photos were being taken, all the girls standing in the background are with the other caterers for the dinner meal that would be eaten after the bride and groom arrived

The nice thing is my boss is very good to us, and is great at motivation even indulging our crazy schedules and getting me to push that extra bit by letting me do some cake work, when I'm done with all the rest of my work.

My most recent cake, a show cake for city hall's display of the venders at the famers market

Not only do I know what she is doing, I love it, it's a great way to keep me happy, get some of the extra cake work done so the pros have more time to do the big things, but it also helps me improve my skills so when the opportunity comes up I'll be ready to shift into being a cake decorator(my goal).

Though I love my job and have a great repore with my boss not all is hunky-dory, this is the food service industry and that means very high turnover, mostly due to the pay and hard work needed, many try to tuff it out only to find they can not handle the pace or the wages don't cover the needs of their families (witch can raise home issues), also seeing as we are a big employer of single moms and their life is hard enough to start with, the big machining plants with their harder work, stricter rules, longer hours but with pay that is almost twice ours, means no matter how much we love them it makes it hard to keep permanent coworkers. So it was not the biggest shock that over our hardest month of the year we lost 4 of our 8 employees, to get through we have hired two summer girls that are off to college when school starts, but for now we are keeping our heads above water but just barely, as some of our fun outreach events have really increased business. Since my boss bought the business last year we have started to do wedding shows, donating to nonprofits and my favorite/pet project the farmers market,

me working our stall at the famers market

Even though many of the events have me baking into the small hours of the night, there is always a creative treat at the end to keep me going,

Our stand at a wedding show, the big stained-glass cake in the back is one I did, the one in front is by our head cake decorator. I also made and iced 1000 mini cupcake for this show

I work most of these events because I love introducing our hard work to the community and seeing people plan the happiest moments in their lives, there is nothing like good old fashion face to face neighborly interaction, plus I love getting our name out there because about half of the people that stop at our stand have no idea that the bakery even exists, many people ask "are you new" or "oh you have a store" that is just one of the bad side affects of previous owners. We even have many people say "oh your under new management I'll have to try that again" or "I knew the old owner" in a you couldn't pay me to go to her place sort of way, it's really sad how bad the reputation had gotten but leave it to my boss to do a 180 in the 8 months she has had it.

All this time energy and effort makes coworkers like family, you're all getting through together building something bigger and changing the community, we all stand up for each other in the day to day drama of painful life events, and nothing will get you to know someone like a 100 degree kitchen with so little room your always bumping into each other, most of the times in inappropriate ways that lead either to a "Sorry I didn't mean to elbow you in the boob I was reaching for the spoons" or the inevitable inappropriate jokes that is the by product of too many hours on the job and too little sleep (anyone that has worked in a kitchen will know how bad/ silly this can get).

Not your grandmothers bakery, really you get pretty silly in the heat (It's a carrot).

So for now hard work, new bakery family members and dedication are the name of the game, and one day we will have a second location and a real name in the community.

Heart Broken!

Today on Facebook one of my new friends posted a blog about her body dysmorphia. I instantly stopped all my multitasking, turned off all the music and read her post, then her blog, my heart breaking more and more as I read. All the voices in the back of my head going you are just making it out of this S#!% why have you not helped more people out? I'm doing the little things, I stared a Facebook page on accepting body image through understanding how bodies work and how different each of our bodies are. I post positive body image pics often. I even have a pintrest page about body image, but this is a huge epidemic I think Steven Colbert sums it up nicely with

except it has gone so much further than girls, now men and women of All ages in countries all over the world are being targeted shamed and distorted! This is a very important study on how we view bodies based on what we are exposed to and with average time in front of a screen between 4-8 hours a day we spend more time looking at the size 2-4 actresses and about a 30" waist for actors than we do with real diverse people, this leads our brains to believe we all should look like that, and it is happening at shockingly young ages video on media intake of young girls the depthes of the depravity goes as far as Model Scouts Look for New Talent at Eating Disorders Clinic and the most resent bubble of Abercrombie & Fitch CEO "You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either,” in response to not carrying anything bigger than a size 10. FYI the average size woman is a size 14! so with all this constant borage of inadequacies, shaming and general manipulation, here is my path to not hating every pice of your body, to finding the parts you like, and building that to a good body relationship and a life long commitment to the one thing that will never leave your life.

1: Be mindful of your media diet. YOU ARE BEING TOLD YOUR ARE NOT GOOD ENOGH! so stop listening, this is an abusive relationship and you have the power to stop it, change it, and make it what you can handle. Next time you are having a hard day try to remember if you are trying to look like that one girl on a magazine or you? remember everything on a screen or in print has been edited. LOLz Photoshop will make you "perfect"

2: Fake it till you make it! You will not believe yourself, your friends or your family about how you really look, but the idea is to get in the act of appreciating your body, that way when you do you'll have some practice with it, kind of like flexing a muscle, the more you do it the stronger you get.

3: Affirmations. This is a hard one, a Really hard one! You need to tell your self you are just right, Try to do it three times a day, start by saying it in your mind as often as you can then work to saying it out loud, then say it in the mirror. Remember you have spent a lot of time saying horrible, awful things to yourself for years you need to learn a new language to talk to your body. Some affirmations to start with are: I am valuable. I have a good body. My body is perfect just the way it is. Once you get those down you can start with: I am beautiful. I love my body. I am happy with my image. I love the way I look.

4: Your mirror your time. Look at yourself, really look at yourself, find one thing you like, even if it is just a little. (I started with my eyes) and any time you get down on your self say but my eyes are good, then find another thing and add it to the list of acceptances, keep adding till you have the ammunition you need to fight back all those things you degrade your self about.

5: BE thankful. You are unique and that is a good thing! so be thankful for your immune system, your ability to walk, your healthy heart, the fact that you can sleep at night, whatever it is that your body is doing for you every day, STOP and take notice you are the most complex and unduplicatable machine ever made, the fact that you can read this is beyond 99.99% of living things, you are so amazing in all your precious body functions and systems.

6: Surround yourself with your end result. This is not a size game this is a mind game so get the right players on your side, whatever kind of media you pay attention to fill it with encouragement, these are my Facebook support teams so far, I also have many on pinterest and am always looking up documentaries studies and new health articles.

7: Be kind to yourself. If you would not say it to a loved one Never say it about yourself (also they hear you talking like that about yourself and will start to think "do they think of me like that, so critical"?)! You are a super specialist at insulting yourself, you see it all, think and say it all, that is why you are so good at it, so now it's time to invest in the positive and spend that time defending yourself. Every single time you hate on yourself you are required to say something complementary, this is exhausting but gets you more practice,(and if you're like me you'll be so annoyed about having to say something nice about yourself you'll stop saying the bad stuff just to get out of saying the nice stuff) your out of shape and it's all in your brain not your body.

8: Start a new relationship. We wish for a lasting relasonship all our lives, someone that wont leave us or cheat on us, well congratulations here it is: your body in sickness and in health for better or all the torture you have put it through, it is still here for you, and your body LOVES you! unconditionally LOVES you, it works tirelessly to defend you, run on low fuel(when we starve our selves)and it is still here lack of sleep, alcohol caffen and sugar, yep still Loveing you! dont you think you could try to send a little love back?

9:Get in the photo! Stop hiding you have a partner that is ready to explore the wold around you in any way you will let it, start taking yourself on dates, what better time to get to know your self than a quiet dinner and a movie, or walking with friends? Basically Live your life, Oh and get in the photo you will look back as you age and want photos, your friends and family want you in their life you cant erase that, so Jump in to life with your partner and start to explore just how much the two of you as a team can do together.

10: Change your mind. So get help, counseling is hard long and immensely helpful! but you have to start off right, Also it's very important to know the difference, a psychologist is someone you can talk to (good thing), a psychiatrist proscribes pills(not as helpful in the long run), look up reviews do your first visit and decide if you want to spend time getting healthy with this persons guidance. Oh and if this scares you even Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi, we all need help, even super heroes! So go find your elder sage and get working It's a long road.

My Newest Obsession

So this last week has been a tough one with all the drama of my parents auction, my work going Cray cray, and still not much of a social network to rely on, but I have to feel like someone out there is truly looking out for me because at the beginning of the week I was introduced to Girl Genius it's this silly, intriguing Comic and I just can't put it down.

Now we all know I'm a big nerd so when part of my nerd out network on facebook posted the Girl Genius kickstarter I checked it out with a whatever frame of mind, but I kept thinking about it and about a day later I pulled it up again and this time I checked out their website. I'm all about supporting strong female characters but I wanted a taste of what the comic was about, you know some kind of introduction or preview. To my surprise and absolute pleasure the whole comic from beginning to their latest page is up! free to read! and easy to access.

Click here to start

So now I'm catching up with Agatha Clay(Girl Genius) and the whole Crew, from a confused romantic prince to a whole circus of truly dependable friends, and even a castle to make any Mad Scientist drop jaw in envy! Now I think this might be considered steam punk or some such, but to me the writing and comedy makes it so engaging that its easy to accept a talking cat... and may I say if you have ever known a cat they all think they are your emperor. Also I can not go on about this series without mentioning the Jagerkin these lovable side kicks had me from the start, their three stooge like, girl crazy antics mixed with diehard loyalty and a love of the dirty side of war somehow warms the heart?...

As you can tell Girl Genius is one fun adventure and I Love being along for the ride! Oh and as for their kickstarter it's to get book 12 published, the writer and animator work privately to keep their artistic freedom, which is something I think most of us can admire. OH and there are only 10 days left so if you check out the comic and find a safe silly place to escape to in the middle of your crazy life check out the kickstarter too.

Chicago in two days!

Oh what a beautiful city! Though I have flown through Chicago many times this is one of the first times I got to just enjoy the city for the city. The best way I can as an out sider show off this amazing city is just tell you what we did and what we Loved (witch happened to be most of it). The biggest hint for travel I can give is ask the locals, and keep asking, ask the cabbies, waitress, shop attendants, even concierge. A lot of times attractions put on events for locals to get their word of mouth out and even drop tickets off at big hotels. After awhile you'll get the idea what the busy locals have taken time for and you can plan accordingly. The best thing about my in-laws is that they love to play it by ear so we went to Chicago with no more plans then our hotel reservation. On our first day we googled best cheesstake and it came up with Fat Tommy'switch was Just the ticket!

The In-law shared "The Grabber: Bacon wrapped, deep-fried Fat Tommy (fat dog)" this dog was spoken about with reverents for days! The husband got the "Ditka Dog: Bacon wrapped, deep-fried Polish. Comes with mustard, cheese and grilled onions" witch had him engross the whole meal. I had the Philly Chicken witch was my whole reason for Googleing the restaurant in the first place and it did not disappoint! Fat Tommy's is an out of the way, hole in the wall place that is not to be missed, because beyond the grate food the man behind the counter was our first local connection, and when we ask what the "must see's in Chicago" were, he when off on such a thrill of locations that when our food came he left us to eat while he wrote out a list for us. This was a big guide for our trip starting with his suggested must see the Chicago architecture tour if you have any interest in detail, history or architecture you should truly enjoy this boat ride.

There is a open bar, entertaining tour guide, fun facts and views that you can only see by the water. Though I would suggest bringing your sunscreen and hat if you do a day tour or a swetter if you do the night tour. The museum sorry the Art institute of Chicago is an amazing adventure that really will stay in my hart and mind for long to come (see my last blog for more on it)

Then it was off to our hotel, and I must admit I am a sucker for a good deal, and can't complain about our hotel. Priceline you are a friend to me and gave this vacation a place of rest in the middle of our run, run, running. We ended up with lovely rooms at the Hyatt Regency Chicago (the largest Hyatt in the world). Then there was dinner, and dinner in Chicago means little Greece and Greek Islands This was the best meal of the trip, I had the Vegetarian Mousaka, oh how much I am craving it again, already! Really everyone at the table was vary happy with there food and stuffed by the end of it. Steven my father in-law's chicken was the peek of his whole trip.

The fun thing about traveling with couples is in the midal of a meal if some one gets a wild hair and wants the night not to end, well why not look up comidy clubs and see if you can get in? Thats just what happen at dinner, stuffed with delishus greek food Iphones out, then taxi and off to The Comedy Bar and don't you know it we got in, great seats and a good show. Three comedians later and abbs killing us from laughing so hard we headed back to the hotel for some much needed sleep.

The next day we were ready to hit real Chicago food, Ah lunch! if you ask around there are two places battling it out for best pizza in Chicago: Giordano's and Lou Malnati's, so we randomly chose Lou Malnati's and though we did not make it to Giordano's, I did not mind.

Lou Malnati's was everything we were looking for in Chicago pizza: atmosphere, the game on in each corner, and pizza to make you rethink all the pizza you have ever had, thick flavorful crust, deep lair of good cheese and a sweetish real tomato sauce. What to do after crazy good pizza? Slow down and stroll Shedd Aquarium and we did it all, 4d theater, not my cup of tea (I'm not one for getting eaten by a shark, sorry). Jellyfish exhibit, wow jellies are Crazy, there really freaky. Also the aquatic show so cool, just fun and neat, and can I go again? and is there any way I could pet all the animals? It's great when you get to experience something that makes your brain all curious and energetic like a kid again.

All the vast beauty of the oceans, lakes and rivers of the world, gave us just enough time to skirt back to the hotel and change up to our fancy clothes and head out to the "best stake in amarica"(If you ask food network or my husband) at David Burke's Primehouse

Now keep in mind this is a MEET place the tables are even covered in leather, so me being a not so meet person I go there for my man. Though if you have an intrast in the "stakyist" stake you have ever had you may end up loving the 40 through 75day age stakes, but if you are not one for the flavors of blue-cheese/scotch like fermentation, this is not the stake for you, though as you can tell Kelly my mother in-law is LOVING it!

this was the wrap up to our whirlwind Chicago adventure. All and all I am so thankful to my in-laws, my husband and the great city of Chicago for an amazing weekend with more beauty than my poor brain knows what to do with.

I fell in love this weekend!

I had the blessing of getting to see my in-laws last week and part of the fun was going to Chicago. We spent the first two days here at our local town then the next two days in Chicago which I have to say Is the most beautiful city I have ever seen, and I fully intend to go in to more detail of how fabulous this trip was,

Us at the bean.

but my complete attention and devotion was taken when we visited the Chicago Art Institute, this was a bucket list item for my husband due to his love of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and a need to spend some time just like the movie in aw of Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. So the hunt was on and we went there with a purpose and a drive, but along the way of asking no less than five museum attendants where the Seurat was,

Bryan after his movie moment.

I got caught up in the scathing beauty, the minute detail to the three story painting, all with a story.

This painting was about 12ft up and about 6ft tall, oh and breathtaking!

So many eye-catching wonders in their color, pain or sheer pleasure these people gone so long ago, or mythical to start with brought to suspended life, just on the verge of speaking to you, though at the same time clearly communicating profound thoughts, even if that thought is mystery.

Now keep in mind I am no stranger to museums, but for the most part as a child we only went to the ones my dad liked sooo A LOT of aeronautical museums and though the grace and fortitude needed to master the air does not escape me, to my eyes the miracle of flight is not to compare to the sheer amazement of walking around a very quiet corner and seeing a fire so glorious in light it seems to be illuminating the whole room, the mind plays tricks and asks why you can not feel the heat on your face.

Then to the next room where simple brush, paint and canvas are an education on the human experience. In some form of cruel fate flash photography is not permitted so try as you might there is little you can take home with you, though I tried, to the point of running my camera battery completely out and using my phone as a back up. Sorry for the bad photos they do No justice to these master works of art. Beyond the classic works in paint there are sculptures from around the world, a nice show of shining knights armor and weapons, then down stairs an entire exhibit in miniature on the dressings of houses at different points in history, a whole wing of photography and so, so much more.

This whole room is about 1sq ft.

If running was permitted I still don't think you could see it all in a day, though we really tried. In the future I don't think I could ever be so rushed there again and If, I at some point get to see my new love again I think I will not only bring my camera with extra batteries, but also a note pad for taking down observations on new(to me) styles of painting, ingenious forms of carving, down right impressive styles of armor and some points on how they were assembled... Just everything! There is so much to be learned from quiet observation of classic pieces of history, preserved by the people so passionate about them, they made it last for our eyes to see. Really I think it would almost be rude if I tried going there with friends, I might be too absorbed in the drama of each new discovery... To that point, I can not thank my Father in-law enough for his patience and kind drive to get us to see it all, to absorb as much as we could and even after my husband and I(mostly I) ran him for hours still saying "don't let me slow you down" and "theres More!"

The Champions of the museum.

and of-course my loving husband that takes so much pleasure in seeing my eyes light up in aw, that as soon as we got home, and the time, he took me to the hobby store and got me a set of oil paints(I've been a acrylic girl my whole life) so to honor him I tried a Seurat style for my first oil painting.

Please don't laugh this is my first try with oils

So please take time in your life to fall in love with the incredible, and if you're not sure just how to do that I highly recommend the Art Institute of Chicago <3 PS get the audio tour, so worth it!

How to feel?

After a whirlwind trip to Chicago (I'll blog that later), I come home to find out that my estranged family are auctioning off most all of there earthly belongings, this would not seem like a big deal till you understand that one: I am only recently estranged from my family, and two that some of the things they are auctioning off are important family heirlooms and childhood memories: some good, some BAD! This brings up the questions: How do I feel? Should I go or should I stay? If I'm unhealthy with them in my life, why do I want to have a piece of that history? What belongs to us when we give up family? Then there is history, I have found since I have started this separation I have been clinging to my ancestry, but seeing as my father pushes away Any one that thinks different than him, I have only met one of his siblings and have no way of contacting that side of the family, so I'm missing half my root system from there. He had 3 brothers, all older, all freaks of the human race for being completely normal, and it was dangerous to contact them, though recently he did out reach to them in time to inherit some cash ?how this happen is just beyond me? call your brothers discussing humans and completely cut off from them for the better half of a century then creep in and buddy up to that place? yah he has some skills.... My mothers side was very alienated so I'm just now starting to reach out to them, witch is truly the saving grace of this mess. Moving on. If your mother emailed you "get your personnal items from the Missouri house as we have a contract for sale and the new owners want to close by May 20" how Freaked would you be? and from there can you truly let go of your childhood everything enough to save your health? As a adult I need to be strong enough to just say no to the crack cocaine that is my family, it's just a F#(@$ Up ride of drama, pain and manipulation. After all that, is there any possession that is worth going back (even just for a short time)to a worthless nonperson that is not even worth the air around me? The families philosophy is you have to earn the air you breathe every day, this can tell a young girl air is worth more than her, not to mention that in my childhood the dogs got more medical care than I did, FUN right...no.... So why do I after all the strange, crazy, truly sick want to be there? Well It's because I miss them they all have good parts they all have a piece of my hart so close it was almost lethal. No-matter what you do your family is part of you, just like your bad and good habits it's part of what makes you you. For me this is one bad habit that I'm in recovery from, so even when I know it's bad for me the craving is there, to have one more hug, just one call, one photograph it's just another way of relapsing. So count me in verbal abuse anonymous in the middle of a pretty strong episode. So in taking a leaf from AA "Fake it till you make it": I feel like I am getting stronger with out my addiction.

My family Way back in the day.

Gaining Weight... and Perspective.

The best way to gain weight is to go on a diet! So lets give a brief case history of my waistline. For the majority of my life I was skinny, now looking back I can see REALLY skinny, so bad that when I was little random people would walk up to my mom and tell her to feed me more, a rather rude thing to say to a family in poverty, and again a demonstration of our cultures lack of grace and complete willingness to vocally judge others publicly. Family History: My dads contribution to image issues... well lets not get too far in to that(It's Ugly) but lets leave it with he is over weight, and said cruel things like "if you eat that you'll balloon up like your sister". My mom has been on one long string of diets for as long as I can remember, she blames her finicky stomach for her not eating much of anything. Recently three doctors asked her is she was anorexic. When I was little I remember her helping my sister diet, these mom and daughter diets where on and off, and still kind of happen. My brother was a bean poll of a guy till he got out of the army and stop doing much. Then there is my beautiful sister a stunning child with blue eyes and platinum blond hare that is such a blessing that even when she try's to dye it, it won't keep the color it just shines through. She was a curvy child but never, never fat! As she grew up with the way my parents and society treated her her weight became a terrible out of control spiral (Let it be known she had the typical german body type but with the hight to go with it) all the diets yo-yoed her health painfully.

Age 11ish

For me I knew skinny, it was what I was, I was obviously aware of weight but did not ever care, I eat what I needed and it was never okay to wast food in our family. Around 12 my dad started making those comments, and time after time went so far as to make me keep food journals because he was "so worried about my health with all the junk I eat" keep in mind he hardly ever made a meal, and we never had soda in the house and for the most part what was in the house had to be within the low sodium diet, healthier food necessary for his blood presser/hart diet (notice the inconsistencies yet), all that said I was use to how they had treated my sister so it was not anything abnormal to hear such degrading discussions, but around that time I fell in with a group of girls that were very focused on every pound, so I started to notice and god forbid I turned 100Lb, so that was it I had to watch what I eat and start cutting things out, and hay don't you know it I had all that practice keeping food journals and watching my mom and sister take on every fad diet. So I jumped right in and don't you know started to gain weight, and the vicious cycle began, a little more weight = diet a little more, more weight = more dieting, all the way to 19 and a crash diet of one apple a day with constant working out even wall working. I was 130Lb and one sick girl. When I was 18 some bad personal things happened that helped my body torture along, it gets easier to diet when you believe you don't deserve to be fed. So at 19 I was killing my self working three jobs from 8am till 11pm or later, I was burning out bad and needed a change, so I put in for a transfer at my main job and knew it would be a crazy physical job, so I had to shape up and stop starving my self. I had also made some decisions about being the kind of person I wished I was.

Post apple diet

So when my transfer took over I did my best to start eating at least dinner and trying very hard to work so hard that no one would ever see how horrible I was: always coming in an hour early for work, taking on any extra hard work that no one wanted to do. Anything to be better than what I felt I was, and what I was backhandedly being told I was at home. This job came with a lot of public speaking, responsibility, hot people my age, and a boss that really wanted to be everyones mom. So yah a lot of growing up really fast. A year later this fun guy came to work with us and he was so relaxed and silly it was impossible not to be happy when you were around him.

The happiest person I know

Oh right Happiness, yah never good at happiness, anything that made me happy was a point of leverage to be used against me at any given point, so I learn early not to show happiness and in so forgot a lot how, the beginning of my life was about surviving. laughing scared me but know matter what happened me and the happy fun guy just kept being thrown together, and by the time we had been dating for like three months and he told me he loved me, completely shocking me, not that he said it that early, I knew I loved him and that he was the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life laughing with, but because I totally and completely did not believe I was worthy of his love. From there on out I was not just striving for the ideal perfection of servitude and self sacrifice, but to be the person that deserve that kind silly love. A year later I changed jobs (night shift EKG tech and respiratorytherapist aid)and moved out of my parents house, this changed my life. My family for once did not know where I lived, I had a good paying job and a man who loved me. I still was not very healthy especially with food so my boyfriend bought me a fish tank so I had to remember to feed them and in turn myself. Life when on like this till we decided to move in together in the bigger city,it meant a longer commute for me but being with the person I loved for more time was worth it. At that point my job was just BAD one of my supervisors threatened to hit me, and I was developing some strange health issues I when through everything from allergic reactions to penicillin(never had a problem with that before) to having the chicken pox (for the second time) I refer to 2007 as the year of spots, I broke out in spots 5 times witch was hiding the fact that the spots where making me sick and cutting off my air supply, Yah severe latex allergy means you can't work at an old-school hospital, I gained about 15Lb during this time, so not only did I have to quit my job but my immunsystem was trashed, my body was shot from years of stress and working like a crazy person. So at the end of that year after finishing a half marathon(13.1 miles) my body gave up on letting go of any extra calories witch was just in time for my boyfriend to decide it he wanted to be my fiancee, and as every -to be wed- knows thats the time to really buckle down and lose those extra pounds "wedding photos last for ever" just keeps at you. Gym memberships, calorie counting, dance lessons, looking up any real information about "real diets" was the name of the game, so by that time next year when we got married I had put on Yes put on 30 Lb.

Our wedding

This was pure Insanity I was conscious of everything going in to my mouth and some how nothing worked! it actually worked the opposite way! I was so depressed about my weight for the wedding and it was a crazy stressful year of nightmare relatives, wedding chaos, buying our first house and moving together, but through it all I was still very happy to be marrying the best person I know. however this I will say my husband is a very relaxed person, motivation is just not his thing, so I had moved in to a more sedentary part of my life, and for once I had someone I felt obligated to feed. So I was eating at least one meal a day. The hardest part of this crazy dieting for the wedding, feeling lost and betrayed by my body, was that my fiancee Loved that I was gaining weight, he liked me with more to me and could not for the life of him understand why I was so upset, witch made me feel partially lonely in the uphill battle and partially confused by his love of my new body. After the wedding I gave up, I was done torturing my self I wanted to eat healthy and see if maybe some of my hubbies love of my body could rub off on me, I still hated every pound as it came, all last 30Lb of it. After culinary school, good grades in my nutrition class that taught me that all bodies are different some bodies have there own size that you just cant fight unless your perfect fit is a casket, and that eating Is so good for you and beneficial to your whole health, that and some great FaceBook pages gave me some better perspective. I now look at a photograph of my German/Scottish Grandmother, I have her body, her stout strength, her curves her genes and there is nothing wrong with that. I am me, All 230Lb, I'd like some little changes, but I am too happy in my life to give up the blessings I have to be consumed by weight any longer.

me learning to fly a plain this winter