How to feel?

After a whirlwind trip to Chicago (I'll blog that later), I come home to find out that my estranged family are auctioning off most all of there earthly belongings, this would not seem like a big deal till you understand that one: I am only recently estranged from my family, and two that some of the things they are auctioning off are important family heirlooms and childhood memories: some good, some BAD! This brings up the questions: How do I feel? Should I go or should I stay? If I'm unhealthy with them in my life, why do I want to have a piece of that history? What belongs to us when we give up family? Then there is history, I have found since I have started this separation I have been clinging to my ancestry, but seeing as my father pushes away Any one that thinks different than him, I have only met one of his siblings and have no way of contacting that side of the family, so I'm missing half my root system from there. He had 3 brothers, all older, all freaks of the human race for being completely normal, and it was dangerous to contact them, though recently he did out reach to them in time to inherit some cash ?how this happen is just beyond me? call your brothers discussing humans and completely cut off from them for the better half of a century then creep in and buddy up to that place? yah he has some skills.... My mothers side was very alienated so I'm just now starting to reach out to them, witch is truly the saving grace of this mess. Moving on. If your mother emailed you "get your personnal items from the Missouri house as we have a contract for sale and the new owners want to close by May 20" how Freaked would you be? and from there can you truly let go of your childhood everything enough to save your health? As a adult I need to be strong enough to just say no to the crack cocaine that is my family, it's just a F#(@$ Up ride of drama, pain and manipulation. After all that, is there any possession that is worth going back (even just for a short time)to a worthless nonperson that is not even worth the air around me? The families philosophy is you have to earn the air you breathe every day, this can tell a young girl air is worth more than her, not to mention that in my childhood the dogs got more medical care than I did, FUN right...no.... So why do I after all the strange, crazy, truly sick want to be there? Well It's because I miss them they all have good parts they all have a piece of my hart so close it was almost lethal. No-matter what you do your family is part of you, just like your bad and good habits it's part of what makes you you. For me this is one bad habit that I'm in recovery from, so even when I know it's bad for me the craving is there, to have one more hug, just one call, one photograph it's just another way of relapsing. So count me in verbal abuse anonymous in the middle of a pretty strong episode. So in taking a leaf from AA "Fake it till you make it": I feel like I am getting stronger with out my addiction.

My family Way back in the day.