Heart Broken!

Today on Facebook one of my new friends posted a blog about her body dysmorphia. I instantly stopped all my multitasking, turned off all the music and read her post, then her blog, my heart breaking more and more as I read. All the voices in the back of my head going you are just making it out of this S#!% why have you not helped more people out? I'm doing the little things, I stared a Facebook page on accepting body image through understanding how bodies work and how different each of our bodies are. I post positive body image pics often. I even have a pintrest page about body image, but this is a huge epidemic I think Steven Colbert sums it up nicely with

except it has gone so much further than girls, now men and women of All ages in countries all over the world are being targeted shamed and distorted! This is a very important study on how we view bodies based on what we are exposed to and with average time in front of a screen between 4-8 hours a day we spend more time looking at the size 2-4 actresses and about a 30" waist for actors than we do with real diverse people, this leads our brains to believe we all should look like that, and it is happening at shockingly young ages video on media intake of young girls the depthes of the depravity goes as far as Model Scouts Look for New Talent at Eating Disorders Clinic and the most resent bubble of Abercrombie & Fitch CEO "You don’t alienate anybody, but you don’t excite anybody, either,” in response to not carrying anything bigger than a size 10. FYI the average size woman is a size 14! so with all this constant borage of inadequacies, shaming and general manipulation, here is my path to not hating every pice of your body, to finding the parts you like, and building that to a good body relationship and a life long commitment to the one thing that will never leave your life.

1: Be mindful of your media diet. YOU ARE BEING TOLD YOUR ARE NOT GOOD ENOGH! so stop listening, this is an abusive relationship and you have the power to stop it, change it, and make it what you can handle. Next time you are having a hard day try to remember if you are trying to look like that one girl on a magazine or you? remember everything on a screen or in print has been edited. LOLz Photoshop will make you "perfect"

2: Fake it till you make it! You will not believe yourself, your friends or your family about how you really look, but the idea is to get in the act of appreciating your body, that way when you do you'll have some practice with it, kind of like flexing a muscle, the more you do it the stronger you get.

3: Affirmations. This is a hard one, a Really hard one! You need to tell your self you are just right, Try to do it three times a day, start by saying it in your mind as often as you can then work to saying it out loud, then say it in the mirror. Remember you have spent a lot of time saying horrible, awful things to yourself for years you need to learn a new language to talk to your body. Some affirmations to start with are: I am valuable. I have a good body. My body is perfect just the way it is. Once you get those down you can start with: I am beautiful. I love my body. I am happy with my image. I love the way I look.

4: Your mirror your time. Look at yourself, really look at yourself, find one thing you like, even if it is just a little. (I started with my eyes) and any time you get down on your self say but my eyes are good, then find another thing and add it to the list of acceptances, keep adding till you have the ammunition you need to fight back all those things you degrade your self about.

5: BE thankful. You are unique and that is a good thing! so be thankful for your immune system, your ability to walk, your healthy heart, the fact that you can sleep at night, whatever it is that your body is doing for you every day, STOP and take notice you are the most complex and unduplicatable machine ever made, the fact that you can read this is beyond 99.99% of living things, you are so amazing in all your precious body functions and systems.

6: Surround yourself with your end result. This is not a size game this is a mind game so get the right players on your side, whatever kind of media you pay attention to fill it with encouragement, these are my Facebook support teams so far, I also have many on pinterest and am always looking up documentaries studies and new health articles.

7: Be kind to yourself. If you would not say it to a loved one Never say it about yourself (also they hear you talking like that about yourself and will start to think "do they think of me like that, so critical"?)! You are a super specialist at insulting yourself, you see it all, think and say it all, that is why you are so good at it, so now it's time to invest in the positive and spend that time defending yourself. Every single time you hate on yourself you are required to say something complementary, this is exhausting but gets you more practice,(and if you're like me you'll be so annoyed about having to say something nice about yourself you'll stop saying the bad stuff just to get out of saying the nice stuff) your out of shape and it's all in your brain not your body.

8: Start a new relationship. We wish for a lasting relasonship all our lives, someone that wont leave us or cheat on us, well congratulations here it is: your body in sickness and in health for better or all the torture you have put it through, it is still here for you, and your body LOVES you! unconditionally LOVES you, it works tirelessly to defend you, run on low fuel(when we starve our selves)and it is still here lack of sleep, alcohol caffen and sugar, yep still Loveing you! dont you think you could try to send a little love back?

9:Get in the photo! Stop hiding you have a partner that is ready to explore the wold around you in any way you will let it, start taking yourself on dates, what better time to get to know your self than a quiet dinner and a movie, or walking with friends? Basically Live your life, Oh and get in the photo you will look back as you age and want photos, your friends and family want you in their life you cant erase that, so Jump in to life with your partner and start to explore just how much the two of you as a team can do together.

10: Change your mind. So get help, counseling is hard long and immensely helpful! but you have to start off right, Also it's very important to know the difference, a psychologist is someone you can talk to (good thing), a psychiatrist proscribes pills(not as helpful in the long run), look up reviews do your first visit and decide if you want to spend time getting healthy with this persons guidance. Oh and if this scares you even Luke Skywalker had Obi Wan Kenobi, we all need help, even super heroes! So go find your elder sage and get working It's a long road.

My Newest Obsession

So this last week has been a tough one with all the drama of my parents auction, my work going Cray cray, and still not much of a social network to rely on, but I have to feel like someone out there is truly looking out for me because at the beginning of the week I was introduced to Girl Genius it's this silly, intriguing Comic and I just can't put it down.

Now we all know I'm a big nerd so when part of my nerd out network on facebook posted the Girl Genius kickstarter I checked it out with a whatever frame of mind, but I kept thinking about it and about a day later I pulled it up again and this time I checked out their website. I'm all about supporting strong female characters but I wanted a taste of what the comic was about, you know some kind of introduction or preview. To my surprise and absolute pleasure the whole comic from beginning to their latest page is up! free to read! and easy to access.

Click here to start

So now I'm catching up with Agatha Clay(Girl Genius) and the whole Crew, from a confused romantic prince to a whole circus of truly dependable friends, and even a castle to make any Mad Scientist drop jaw in envy! Now I think this might be considered steam punk or some such, but to me the writing and comedy makes it so engaging that its easy to accept a talking cat... and may I say if you have ever known a cat they all think they are your emperor. Also I can not go on about this series without mentioning the Jagerkin these lovable side kicks had me from the start, their three stooge like, girl crazy antics mixed with diehard loyalty and a love of the dirty side of war somehow warms the heart?...

As you can tell Girl Genius is one fun adventure and I Love being along for the ride! Oh and as for their kickstarter it's to get book 12 published, the writer and animator work privately to keep their artistic freedom, which is something I think most of us can admire. OH and there are only 10 days left so if you check out the comic and find a safe silly place to escape to in the middle of your crazy life check out the kickstarter too.

Chicago in two days!

Oh what a beautiful city! Though I have flown through Chicago many times this is one of the first times I got to just enjoy the city for the city. The best way I can as an out sider show off this amazing city is just tell you what we did and what we Loved (witch happened to be most of it). The biggest hint for travel I can give is ask the locals, and keep asking, ask the cabbies, waitress, shop attendants, even concierge. A lot of times attractions put on events for locals to get their word of mouth out and even drop tickets off at big hotels. After awhile you'll get the idea what the busy locals have taken time for and you can plan accordingly. The best thing about my in-laws is that they love to play it by ear so we went to Chicago with no more plans then our hotel reservation. On our first day we googled best cheesstake and it came up with Fat Tommy'switch was Just the ticket!

The In-law shared "The Grabber: Bacon wrapped, deep-fried Fat Tommy (fat dog)" this dog was spoken about with reverents for days! The husband got the "Ditka Dog: Bacon wrapped, deep-fried Polish. Comes with mustard, cheese and grilled onions" witch had him engross the whole meal. I had the Philly Chicken witch was my whole reason for Googleing the restaurant in the first place and it did not disappoint! Fat Tommy's is an out of the way, hole in the wall place that is not to be missed, because beyond the grate food the man behind the counter was our first local connection, and when we ask what the "must see's in Chicago" were, he when off on such a thrill of locations that when our food came he left us to eat while he wrote out a list for us. This was a big guide for our trip starting with his suggested must see the Chicago architecture tour if you have any interest in detail, history or architecture you should truly enjoy this boat ride.

There is a open bar, entertaining tour guide, fun facts and views that you can only see by the water. Though I would suggest bringing your sunscreen and hat if you do a day tour or a swetter if you do the night tour. The museum sorry the Art institute of Chicago is an amazing adventure that really will stay in my hart and mind for long to come (see my last blog for more on it)

Then it was off to our hotel, and I must admit I am a sucker for a good deal, and can't complain about our hotel. Priceline you are a friend to me and gave this vacation a place of rest in the middle of our run, run, running. We ended up with lovely rooms at the Hyatt Regency Chicago (the largest Hyatt in the world). Then there was dinner, and dinner in Chicago means little Greece and Greek Islands This was the best meal of the trip, I had the Vegetarian Mousaka, oh how much I am craving it again, already! Really everyone at the table was vary happy with there food and stuffed by the end of it. Steven my father in-law's chicken was the peek of his whole trip.

The fun thing about traveling with couples is in the midal of a meal if some one gets a wild hair and wants the night not to end, well why not look up comidy clubs and see if you can get in? Thats just what happen at dinner, stuffed with delishus greek food Iphones out, then taxi and off to The Comedy Bar and don't you know it we got in, great seats and a good show. Three comedians later and abbs killing us from laughing so hard we headed back to the hotel for some much needed sleep.

The next day we were ready to hit real Chicago food, Ah lunch! if you ask around there are two places battling it out for best pizza in Chicago: Giordano's and Lou Malnati's, so we randomly chose Lou Malnati's and though we did not make it to Giordano's, I did not mind.

Lou Malnati's was everything we were looking for in Chicago pizza: atmosphere, the game on in each corner, and pizza to make you rethink all the pizza you have ever had, thick flavorful crust, deep lair of good cheese and a sweetish real tomato sauce. What to do after crazy good pizza? Slow down and stroll Shedd Aquarium and we did it all, 4d theater, not my cup of tea (I'm not one for getting eaten by a shark, sorry). Jellyfish exhibit, wow jellies are Crazy, there really freaky. Also the aquatic show so cool, just fun and neat, and can I go again? and is there any way I could pet all the animals? It's great when you get to experience something that makes your brain all curious and energetic like a kid again.

All the vast beauty of the oceans, lakes and rivers of the world, gave us just enough time to skirt back to the hotel and change up to our fancy clothes and head out to the "best stake in amarica"(If you ask food network or my husband) at David Burke's Primehouse

Now keep in mind this is a MEET place the tables are even covered in leather, so me being a not so meet person I go there for my man. Though if you have an intrast in the "stakyist" stake you have ever had you may end up loving the 40 through 75day age stakes, but if you are not one for the flavors of blue-cheese/scotch like fermentation, this is not the stake for you, though as you can tell Kelly my mother in-law is LOVING it!

this was the wrap up to our whirlwind Chicago adventure. All and all I am so thankful to my in-laws, my husband and the great city of Chicago for an amazing weekend with more beauty than my poor brain knows what to do with.

I fell in love this weekend!

I had the blessing of getting to see my in-laws last week and part of the fun was going to Chicago. We spent the first two days here at our local town then the next two days in Chicago which I have to say Is the most beautiful city I have ever seen, and I fully intend to go in to more detail of how fabulous this trip was,

Us at the bean.

but my complete attention and devotion was taken when we visited the Chicago Art Institute, this was a bucket list item for my husband due to his love of Ferris Bueller's Day Off and a need to spend some time just like the movie in aw of Seurat's A Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte. So the hunt was on and we went there with a purpose and a drive, but along the way of asking no less than five museum attendants where the Seurat was,

Bryan after his movie moment.

I got caught up in the scathing beauty, the minute detail to the three story painting, all with a story.

This painting was about 12ft up and about 6ft tall, oh and breathtaking!

So many eye-catching wonders in their color, pain or sheer pleasure these people gone so long ago, or mythical to start with brought to suspended life, just on the verge of speaking to you, though at the same time clearly communicating profound thoughts, even if that thought is mystery.

Now keep in mind I am no stranger to museums, but for the most part as a child we only went to the ones my dad liked sooo A LOT of aeronautical museums and though the grace and fortitude needed to master the air does not escape me, to my eyes the miracle of flight is not to compare to the sheer amazement of walking around a very quiet corner and seeing a fire so glorious in light it seems to be illuminating the whole room, the mind plays tricks and asks why you can not feel the heat on your face.

Then to the next room where simple brush, paint and canvas are an education on the human experience. In some form of cruel fate flash photography is not permitted so try as you might there is little you can take home with you, though I tried, to the point of running my camera battery completely out and using my phone as a back up. Sorry for the bad photos they do No justice to these master works of art. Beyond the classic works in paint there are sculptures from around the world, a nice show of shining knights armor and weapons, then down stairs an entire exhibit in miniature on the dressings of houses at different points in history, a whole wing of photography and so, so much more.

This whole room is about 1sq ft.

If running was permitted I still don't think you could see it all in a day, though we really tried. In the future I don't think I could ever be so rushed there again and If, I at some point get to see my new love again I think I will not only bring my camera with extra batteries, but also a note pad for taking down observations on new(to me) styles of painting, ingenious forms of carving, down right impressive styles of armor and some points on how they were assembled... Just everything! There is so much to be learned from quiet observation of classic pieces of history, preserved by the people so passionate about them, they made it last for our eyes to see. Really I think it would almost be rude if I tried going there with friends, I might be too absorbed in the drama of each new discovery... To that point, I can not thank my Father in-law enough for his patience and kind drive to get us to see it all, to absorb as much as we could and even after my husband and I(mostly I) ran him for hours still saying "don't let me slow you down" and "theres More!"

The Champions of the museum.

and of-course my loving husband that takes so much pleasure in seeing my eyes light up in aw, that as soon as we got home, and the time, he took me to the hobby store and got me a set of oil paints(I've been a acrylic girl my whole life) so to honor him I tried a Seurat style for my first oil painting.

Please don't laugh this is my first try with oils

So please take time in your life to fall in love with the incredible, and if you're not sure just how to do that I highly recommend the Art Institute of Chicago <3 PS get the audio tour, so worth it!

How to feel?

After a whirlwind trip to Chicago (I'll blog that later), I come home to find out that my estranged family are auctioning off most all of there earthly belongings, this would not seem like a big deal till you understand that one: I am only recently estranged from my family, and two that some of the things they are auctioning off are important family heirlooms and childhood memories: some good, some BAD! This brings up the questions: How do I feel? Should I go or should I stay? If I'm unhealthy with them in my life, why do I want to have a piece of that history? What belongs to us when we give up family? Then there is history, I have found since I have started this separation I have been clinging to my ancestry, but seeing as my father pushes away Any one that thinks different than him, I have only met one of his siblings and have no way of contacting that side of the family, so I'm missing half my root system from there. He had 3 brothers, all older, all freaks of the human race for being completely normal, and it was dangerous to contact them, though recently he did out reach to them in time to inherit some cash ?how this happen is just beyond me? call your brothers discussing humans and completely cut off from them for the better half of a century then creep in and buddy up to that place? yah he has some skills.... My mothers side was very alienated so I'm just now starting to reach out to them, witch is truly the saving grace of this mess. Moving on. If your mother emailed you "get your personnal items from the Missouri house as we have a contract for sale and the new owners want to close by May 20" how Freaked would you be? and from there can you truly let go of your childhood everything enough to save your health? As a adult I need to be strong enough to just say no to the crack cocaine that is my family, it's just a F#(@$ Up ride of drama, pain and manipulation. After all that, is there any possession that is worth going back (even just for a short time)to a worthless nonperson that is not even worth the air around me? The families philosophy is you have to earn the air you breathe every day, this can tell a young girl air is worth more than her, not to mention that in my childhood the dogs got more medical care than I did, FUN right...no.... So why do I after all the strange, crazy, truly sick want to be there? Well It's because I miss them they all have good parts they all have a piece of my hart so close it was almost lethal. No-matter what you do your family is part of you, just like your bad and good habits it's part of what makes you you. For me this is one bad habit that I'm in recovery from, so even when I know it's bad for me the craving is there, to have one more hug, just one call, one photograph it's just another way of relapsing. So count me in verbal abuse anonymous in the middle of a pretty strong episode. So in taking a leaf from AA "Fake it till you make it": I feel like I am getting stronger with out my addiction.

My family Way back in the day.